Some people are taking The Fight (whatever the hell that is) TO THE EXTREME:

Janet Porter is being VERY SERIOUS with you. Let’s explore.

I wanted to e-mail my editor and tell him I’m taking the week off. My preference? Play in the snow with my niece and nephew and spend time by the fireplace with family. But too much is at stake to give up now – or even to take a much needed break.

The Senate rammed through socialized medicine, complete with forced abortion funding, and we have to stop it in the House.

So now it’s time for a PRAYERATHON. Especially since, if we enable health care reform, we are essentially “killing God.”

We need God. And God works through ordinary people like us. Be a part of changing the history of America – meet with your U.S. representatives this week. Then do all you can to bring the remnant to Washington for the most important meeting of all: the meeting with the God of our founders.

OUR FOUNDERS, while hating Christians, are somehow the embodiment of all that is holy. People like Janet Porter need to be eaten alive, if for no other reason than her disposition against historical facts.

Luckily, there is one human being, Allen Quist, who has the rocks to deal with this madness. Yes— Satan is staring us in the face— and he’s liberal.

So why are the liberals worse then terrorism? Allen explains.

“Our country is being destroyed. Every generation has had to fight the fight for freedom… Terrorism? Yes. That’s not the big battle,” he said. “The big battle is in D.C. with the radicals. They aren’t liberals. They are radicals. Obama, Pelosi, Walz: They’re not liberals, they’re radicals. They are destroying our country.”

Didn’t McCarthy do this sort of thing? It seems far too easy to just throw a label on someone and throw them in front of the bus. Allen is obviously well aware of this, which is why you should elect him to the 1st Congressional District of Minnesota! HOORAY.

The Minnesota Independent has posted a little video of Allen running around acting worse then Bachmann in the radical war-field— but that is not going to be posted here. Instead we just wanted to share with you that there are maniacs all over the place that, because of the Tea Party Heroes, are now taking the National spotlight. Thank you, Tea Party Heroes.

In the video, above, Rex makes his voice clear. He’s damn sick of people trying to separate Christianity from governance. As we all know our founding fathers were deists (read: SECRET CHRISTIANS) this is very much in line with his Tea Bagger stance of “restoring” the Constitution to his very narrow-minded view of it. We wish him the best of luck in all his endeavors.

There are moments in anybody’s life where you walk the line between the sane and insane— where putting yourself into a situation so full of bullshit might actually drag you into a less-then-noble cause that you didn’t even see coming. Imagine being surrounded by so many diametrically opposed view points that its hard to distinguish which side ANY of them were really on.

Many Tea Parties have been exactly that— “Tea Parties,” but as your Editor and his humble but genius friend experienced on that fateful evening of October 15, this is not always the case.

These people are fucking cannibals. They are nothing short of man-flesh-eating wombats sent from the Mayans to initiate the end of days. We dealt with more crazies than should ever be allotted to anybody for any period of time— and survived.

Any asshole with a mouth on their face had no problem telling you all about their cause. It is the most compelling argument against Freedom of Assembly that has ever been made.

This was a 5 tier protest. You had the Freepers (obviously) garbed with signs reading simply amazing things— but they were far from alone. Down the block, some even intermingled, were the anti-war people. They even had a band! (No I did not get a photo of that). All in all they were insane.

BUT WE CANNOT STOP THERE! Behind the anti-war protesters were the Global Warming folks. They were all wearing red tee-shirts and were honestly the laziest demonstrators your Editor has ever seen. They just stood around in a circle with their signs stating “STOP GLOBAL WARMING” strewn together against a concrete divide. It was sad.

Around the bend from the Global Warming people were the BEST 9/11 TRUTHERS EVER, covered with microphones and screaming things that sounded about as insanely powerful as The Battle Hymn of the Republic. Not only were they loud, they were armed with pamphlets and pandering like mad homeless dogs. Sound like fun? WELL HERE ARE THE PHOTOS (taken with a cell phone, of course).

I began the journey into the 7th Circle at exactly 5:43 p.m. Pacific Time. Armed only with a camera and a hangover, it seemed difficult to comprehend the idea of pissing off any one of the Willies. Surprisingly enough, the Tea Party jerks were actually the most polite in the crowd. When your Editor said very bluntly, “The Government wants to kill us all,” the man who had been previously preaching his deal to an innocent bystander paused for a moment, then responded “well, I don’t think they want to kill us.” Surely this was a man of sound reason.

There it was. The center of the movement. Did you drink the Kool-Aid? Did you? Apparently this was a theme:

The fact that your Editor prefers Kool-Aid instead of tea does not indicate bias in writing this post. MOVING ON.

Before a “friend” arrived to assist and support our efforts on the ground, I had to escape. This constituted strong drink on the rooftop of “Macy’s” at some place called the “Cheesecake factory,” which incidentally is a place where everyone in the world would be dining if Reagan had won a third term. Frightening.

That crowd you see— all those tiny dots— only constitutes a fraction of the protest-butt-fucking that took place. It was more than an endurance contest. It was a slaughterhouse.

As I stood gazing down on the Manson family an inquisitive waitress approached. This was obviously a moment sent from the gods to set up “friend” with said waitress. It was simple really. “Friend is 19 feet tall— he smashes heads with his fingers. He is worth millions of dollars.” Perfect. She would have never seen it coming that he was actually 5’6″, 140 pounds— and Jewish.

After meeting up, miraculously, with a “friend,” we moved henceforth into said slaughterhouse and took a few more shots. As you will see, no cause was spared.

This was no day at the beach. Being pulled on by so many sides— and all for naught. As it was later learned, the President these people were screaming at had gone through a back entrance of the Westin St. Francis Hotel, which means no cause would be heard and no truth “shared” with the world’s most powerful man.

The night raged on with hopeless abandon. Your Editor’s friend, as you can see from this photo, nearly shot himself in the eye out of exhaustion— strangely enough.

Poor, poor “friend.” We quickly decided to escape this nasty scene. These monsters were blood-thirsty after realizing the President was already in and that their sophisticated traps of signs and yelling were no match for an alternative way into a hotel. Just— shocking.

You must take into account that even while these brutes were harassing the world with their paper-based products, registration for the Nike Women’s Maraton was additionally present. This means that normal Union Square activity (busy tourist area) was compounded with protest, more protest, shoppers, truthers, and RUNNERS, of all people. It was madness. Straight up— madness.

As we made our exit to the north we passed the only sane person at the event. He was incredible.

That is the only truth one needs.

So the end was near. We successfully evaded violence and confrontation somehow and retreated to the “Starlight Room,” high above the evil below.

And that was how it ended. After the whole ordeal, we figured it was time for a good view. Thus concludes your Teablogging coverage of The Death Orgy of 2009— Union Square Edition.

Yes, this is a special day for everyone. From 4 to 8 p.m. your Teablogging’s own shortsshortsshorts will be walking among the piles of people at the St. Francis Hotel for Obama’s one day “Presidential” visit, IF WE CAN EVEN CALL HIM THE PRESIDENT.

Let’s explore what your Editor will be taking photos and video of this evening, for sport:

From Free Republic:

A Conservative Welcome Party for President Obama!

President Obama will be in San Francisco THIS THURSDAY, October 15th at the Westin St. Francis Hotel to fundraise at a reception and dinner. Let’s give him a proper Conservative welcome and protest the President and his liberal agenda! Hot Talk 560, KSFO is encouraging everyone around the Bay Area to converge across the street from the Westin St. Francis in Union Square, from 4-8pm to let President Obama know the Conservative movement in Ultra-Liberal San Francisco needs to be taken seriously!

Wear your best patriotic outfits, bring American Flags, signs (but remember to keep it clean and stay on point with things like Health Care Reform, Taxes, etc. No references to Obama’s Birth Certificate issue or comparisons to Hitler, as they are never media-friendly). Remember to stay on Powell Street sidewalk, opposite the hotel’s entrance and do not go in the street. There is no amplified sound allowed, but bullhorns under 10 watts are OK. Most importantly, be polite, respectful, thank the police and keep tempers under control no matter how angry you get, as there is sure to be opposition there.

TRANSPORTATION

BART: Get off at the Powell Street Station and walk 2 blocks up Powell Street to Union Square and the Westin St. Francis Hotel.

Driving: Parking is available at the Union Square Garage, directly underneath Union Square and nearby at the O’Farrell Street Garage. Enter on Geary Street, across from Macy’s.</blockquote>

So if any of you would like to “join” me at Union Square this evening, e-mail “shorts<at>shortsshortsshorts.com” and we’ll come up with a meeting place of some sort.

We should have seen this coming. One would think the ideas behind the ridiculous tea party platform would be fairly easy to grasp. For example:

1. Scream a lot.

2. Wave a sign in the air and shake your fist.

3. Make sure the sign says something like “GO BACK TO AFRICA,” and

4. Buy Michael Patrick Leahy’s book.

Easy enough, right?

These “Conservative Radical” classes are the most absurd thing your Editor has seen in a long time. But saying that, we must explore the beast in all of its low quality, low-ball lunacy. Why not?

The “University” is being spawned from the depths of hell which is called GEMTEAM, which is an organization of some sort started by Leahy to ensure the spread of these “fresh” Conservative ideals that surely man has never seen before. Interestingly enough, GEMTEAM is listed under the Woodcutters Directory. Is Leahy using his powers of tea bagging to saw off the shaft and focus on the testicles? This is speculation, of course. We await his response.

MOVING ON:

The University is set up so that any schmo can sign up to become an instructor, even. Just look at the qualifications you need:

Certified Instructors

What are the qualifications of a Certified Instructor at Conservative Radical University?

- Leadership experience as an organizer of local tea parties, 9-12 events, or similar conservative activism
- Successful completion of Certified Instructor Training from Conservative Radical University

How Many Types of Certified Instructors Do You Have?

- Certified Instructors in Rules for Conservative Radicals
- Certified Instructors in the American Exceptionalism Series for the Millennnial Generation

Who are our Certified Instructors?

- Kevin Hard (Texas)is certified in Rules for Conservative Radicals

What to do if you want to become a Certified Instructor?

Contact me. I would like to become a certified instructor.

But don’t start licking your chops just yet, people. You have to have some sort of experience to jump on the awful bandwagon of becoming an instructor. So get out there and start yapping at as many people as you can find. Your country may not thank you for it, or anybody else for that matter, but you can still cause a lot of headaches.

Hopefully this awful idea will spawn other “Universities” for dumb causes the general population doesn’t care too much about. We can have a “University of Elevator Operation” or maybe even the “University of Paper Weights and Measurements.”

Oh the possibilities!

“We have the chance to fight this battle at the ballot box before we have to resort to the bullet box… That’s the beauty of our 2nd Amend rights.”

So remember, anybody who disagrees with the Teabaggers… YOU WILL BE SHOT AND KILLED after election day. Isn’t that nice?

Michael Simone demands your attendance to an online “Tea Party” happening all over the Internet on Saturday, at 12:00 p.m.

It should be noted that the man really, truly enjoys the word “Tea Party.” We are not sure it he knows what the movement is. Take this for an example:

TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY TEA PARTY etc.

Good grief.

THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR, as Tea Baggers plan to call in sick on July 30, 2009 to protest, umm, TAXES! The event is truly epic. It is called “a day without a Conservative.” Can you imagine anything more awesome for the rest of us? A WHOLE DAY, without them? We should rename July 30, 2009 “Christmas,” in honor of logic’s rebirth.

Going Galt – Call In Conservative
Date: 07/30/2009
Time: All Day
Location: Everywhere, USA
Details: On July 30th, Conservatives are “Going Galt”. On that date, Tea Party Nation is asking Conservatives all across the nation to “Call in Conservative”. On July 30th, Conservatives will not work, we will not buy. Instead, we will spend time with our families and friends. We will show President Obama and Congress who REALLY drives this economy. For more information on “A Day Without Conservatives.”

What will Krispy Kreme do without their business? Who will read the Wall Street Journal? OH THE HORROR. OH THE HUMANITY.

We should encourage everyday to be “A Day Without Conservatives” until these god damn Tea Party folks get what they want. Surely it will happen via this method.

Phil runs a radio show that runs between 4 and 8 p.m. somewhere out of Nashville, TN. His father Tim was actually a DEMOCRATIC Senator— but not Phil. No no. He’s just delightfully INSANE!

His website, which is wrought with spelling and grammatical errors (even more than this site) isn’t even readable, mostly. BUT STILL, he has a project! He’s going to give Senators his balls. That’s right— his balls.

We’re urging you to “Give the Senate Some Balls” by sending a couple of ping-pong balls or golf balls to each of your two U.S. senators. Decorate them, if you like. Write a message on them if you want to (keep it clean and respectful). As this movement catches on across the country this will send a louder message than any e-mail or phone call could ever do. Sure, it may be a little on the indelicate side but it gets the point across. Imagine when the news media start reporting that balls are pouring in to Senate offices from all over the country.

You see, Teabagging wasn’t enough for our Republican friends. Now we must send our balls to Washington. That is the only way to bring change to Washington. He even has a list of the Senators most ripe to receive a fancy new set of balls:

Which Senate Democrats Are Most in Need of Some Balls?

Barbara Boxer (CA)
Harry Reid (NV)
Diane Feinstein(CA)
Max Baucus (MT)
Arlen Specter (PA)
Claire McKaskill(MO)

Mmmm NOM NOM NOM—- there are a lot of folks getting balls sometime soon.